oh, i KNOW your type.

you've been reading every KTOG list for a LONG time now.

you have a special belt holster just for your dremel tool.

you're hooked!

but sometimes, just SOMETIMES, the list seems a little stale, and you wish there were some new topics being posted, NEW questions being raised.

so to keep your interest, here are some questions i'll bet you've NEVER seen on KTOG before, along with the DEFINITIVE ZEN BEN answers (accept no substitute)...

--Q: what kind of grease do you think is best?
A: that depends on how many gals you have invited over and the "unit size per gal."

--Q: which is better, a p11 or a p40?
A: that is obvious from the names of each: a p40 will give you 29 MORE... of...something...

--Q: don't those rattling sounds from your magazines bug you?
A: yeh. and i just HATE it when rattlesnakes do that thing with their tails. so annoying!

--Q: do i really need a metal guide rod?
A: what you do in the privacy of your own home is your own business. leave us out of it. (but FWIW, dr ruth advises you use "plenty lubrication.")

--Q: is the p32 "enough gun" to help me keep my poop together in scary situations?
A: well, that "Depends" on how you are dressed. [get it?]

--Q: what ammo brand do you like the best for a p11/p40?
A1: my very favorite in the whole world is the brand that is loaded into my p11/p40 at the time i need it.
A2: i have been tracking closely the development of those new prefragmented 10gr / 3000 fps plutonium bullets made by "Soo Mee Enterprises"...

--Q: what aftermarket preban mags are best for a p11?
A: i prefer the 100 round snail drums made by "FlyByNight." they're great!... they work at least 30% of the time and only add a couple pounds of weight to the pistol! plus, the shape of the snail drum makes "mexican carry" a breeze, as long as you wear a XXXL large oilskin duster over all and always make your wife walk in front of you everywhere.

--Q: what carry method do you think is best?
A: when trouble threatens, i prefer "in the hand" carry, which allows for easy draw and fire when deployed from my "Low Ready" brand holster.

--Q: sure some calibers are more effective than others, but don't you think shot placement is REALLY important?
A1: yes, because the tequila really burns if you get it up your nose.
A2: no, doesn't matter as long you're stoking 100%-rated "Rhino Talon" manstoppers.

--Q: what do you prefer, a bullet that travels fast or a bullet that is big and heavy?
A1: yes.

--Q: i like my p11, but what can i do about that LONG HEAVY trigger? A: it's just a little piece of plastic and really isn't all THAT heavy. but if it is too LONG for you just file it down to about 1/4" long with a bastard file.

--Q: should i mount a flashshlight on the bottom of my p11/p40?
A1: yes -- makes those small flashlights much easier to hold onto with your teeth when you are working on your car engine and holding the flashlight in your mouth.
A2: no, you should never try to identify what you are shooting out in case it might shake your confidence. i mean what if he's big and mean and hairy and has a bigger gun than you? best not to find out.
A3: yes, because that way, whenever you hear ANYTHING stirring out in your driveway at night, you can be sure that you are not only lighting it up, but also covering it with your muzzle at the same time. better safe than sorry, right? "two birds w/ one stone," and all that rot...

--Q: wouldn't is be great if KT came out with a p45?
A1: that would be great, as long as it has a 1lb trigger, front slide serrations, walnut grips, a skeletonized trigger and hammer, a grip safety, a 1/2" wide ambidextrious thumb safety, novak sights, a 2" wide stainless steel magwell guide on the bottom, and a 1" long beavertail sticking out the back. plus, it should weighs not less than 30 oz and cost at least $900.
of course, it should appear on the cover of every gun magazine ("KT P45: The Ultimate CCW?") at the newstand, and i should have the option of spending another $800 to get acessories and customizing work. most importantly, it should be a double stack that packs a good 4 rounds or so of flying ashtrays and is designed to be a perfect fit for anyone's hand as long their last name is Bunyan or Sasquatch.
finally, it would be nice if 10 round aftermarket mags were made available that stick out the bottom of the gun like the keel of a deep sea fishing yacht and make for handy bludgeons in case the gun goes down and the distance of the perp or the type of malf dictates going hand to hand.

--Q: don't you think KT should make a P357SIG? a P400 Corbon?
A: yes, and i will definitely buy one and use it! that is, until next month, when a newer,much better, and far more expensive bullet will come out, about which even less hard data has been gathered. at that point i will sell all my current stock at 1/2 price and switch to the new stuff pronto!

--Q: can anybody beat this deal?... i saw some 9mm ammo for only $5 for a box of 50 through "Corrosvski Surplus". check it out!... www.melt.yergun.com. A1: that's nice, but you should be aware that that stuff will turn your p11 into a Lorcin. besides, i can buy 9mm by the 1000 locally from "Two finger Larry" for only $4.99 a box as long as i let him go out and shoot live animals with some of it (Larry's no longer permitted to own a gun, see...)
A2: that's nice, but you are BOTH wasting your money, because i can RELOAD 9mm for only $4.98 a box and i save a bunch over the long haul because my own time and labor is worth absolutely nothing to me and i have completely discounted the $600 i have sunk into reloading supplies. plus, the feeling of legal exposure kind of excites me while i'm out carrying my reloads. (ooh, i'm getting tingly!)
A3: that's nice, but EVERY ONE of you folks above is hosed-up on this point, because you benighted fools have failed to realize that you should ALWAYS practice with what you carry and of course the only thing to carry is MagSafe. but even though mag safe costs $30 for a box of 3 round, i can STILL save more $$ than ALL of you put together by just limiting my practice time to 1 range session and 1 magazine per year.

--Q: my p11/p40/p32 is not feeding correctly. i am getting frustrated. what should i do?
A1: stop giving it between-meal snacks and table scraps. and take it on more walks.

--Q: hey, i've been seeing all these posts about polishing this and tinkering w/ that and feeding problems and so forth. what's the deal? i'm getting worried! can you Kel Tec Owners tell me if the p11/p40 is unreliable?
A1: yes. it's an embarrassing piece of guano that will surely get you killed. but you should really see my gremlin go! now THERE's a machine!
A2: there, there, now now. just take a deep breath and get a grip. all will be well. you see, virginia, the p11/p40 is not a magic talisman to ward off danger. it is a machine made of plastic, aluminum, and steel. it is a mass-produced machine w/ lots of moving parts many of which are operating under very high stresses. remember that movie "west world" where they had an amusement park staffed by robot machines? their motto was "nothing can go wrong... can go wrong... can go..." 'nuff said?

--Q: is it safe to "dry fire" my p11?
A1: yes. in fact, it is best NOT to get your p11 wet at all before firing it. but since you are too dumb to know that, you might want to consider buying some "dummy bullets" to practice with. the firing pin won't care, but your neighbors will sleep better.
A2: no, absolutely not. the guy above is all wet in his answer and has no idea what you are even asking. when building dry brush fires to burn off yard trash, you should only roast objects like weenies or marshmallows above the dry fires, and only rarely roast all metal guns. but never, expose to a dry fire a gun that is made using plastic. (but the dishwasher is fine.)

--Q: do i REALLY need to get a dremel tool?
A1: yes! i love mine. with the grinder attachment, i turned my p11 into a p32 in only one day! go for it.
A2: of course. how in the hell else are you going to fix your dremel if it breaks on you, sherlock? just buy one and quite whinin' about it.
A3: come on, man... you'll LIKE it. everyone ELSE is doing it. you want to be part of the GROUP, don't you?? c'mon...

--Q: i just got my CCW permit, and i was wondering if anyone from the Kel Tec Owner's Group thinks i should by a Kel Tec pistol for CCW?
A1: naw... they suck. they're junk -- total waste of money. every one of us is a dickless loser. you should carry a taurus raging bull instead. powerful, reliable, and "ultimately concealable." or if you prefer better stopping power than the .454 Casull, you might want to look into blackpowder rifles.
A2: before i answer, i need to ask you one question: if i say "no," will you stop posting to the Kel Tec Owners list?

--Q: i am considering buying a KT pistol, as long as i can take it new, out of the box, and have it will perform in every way like a $800, 35 oz, all-steel-frame gun. i want it to always work 100% of the time while limp-wristing with russian surplus ammo and i don't want to have to do any tinkering with it. i also want it to break the 200k round gun lifetime figure with a steady diet of corbon and wildcatted handloads. can you guys advise me?
A: you should definitely go ahead, you sound like the ideal KT owner. in fact, you can shoot all the cor bon you want through these pistols w/o ever having to even field strip them. all that black stuff on the feed ramp and in the barrel helps the gun function -- same as the way it is a good idea to you "cure" a cast iron skillet. just spray a goodly amount of WD40 down the barrel every 500 rounds or so and all will be well. KT pistols may only have a fraction of the weight and cost of a Glock or Beretta and they may sport an aluminum frame, and they may hammer out high pressure service caliber rounds, but relax, because not even chuck taylor wants to do a torture test on them b/c he can't find an ammo dealer willing to sponsor him for more than 200k rounds, and these pistols are just getting broken in around then.

--Q: how should i practice -- "double taps" or "triple taps" or "empty the gun" or "mozambique drill" or "shoot to the wheels?"
A1: this is a complex question, so the answer will be fairly long...
--most experts advise shooting the attacker instead of merely "tapping" on him, so choosing between double vs triple tap is moot. unless, of course, he is turned away from you and not paying attention, in which you might consider tapping on his shoulder and then shooting him when he turns.
--as for "emptying the gun," mas ayoob strongly recommends against doing that prior to any self defense encounter, and jan liborel agrees with him. chuck taylor, on the other hand feels that it is okay to unloaded your gun, but only DURING a fire fight (ie., not at the beginning or end of the fight), and ONLY provided there is a "lull in the action" right in the middle of the fight. in that case, it is very "tactical" to unload your gun, and the mark of a true expert. your attacker will NEVER expect you to do this, and hence you will have the element of surprise on your side.
--lately, the "mozambique drill" is falling out of favor as the "johanesberg hacksaw" gets more exposure among handyman tool collectors. obviously, which tool you will use will depend upon the home project you have in mind and whether a drill is more useful at the moment than a hacksaw. as for "shooting to the wheels", this is only useful if your attacker is attempting to run you over with a car sporting bullet-proof glass. all the security experts like jim grover and leroy thompson agree on this point.
--finally, don't forget that some of the more radical trainers are now starting to advocate the "one to the upper spine" drill.
A2: personally, i eschew ALL of these methods above in favor of simple "dose equivalency," as is used in precisely determining an individual's blood alchol content. it works like this -- merely inject 1 gr of lead per pound of body weight and you will be adequately served in any situation. you should start at a minimum of 900 fps and add 300 fps for each "hit" of mind altering substance in the bloodstream of the attacker. a couple of examples will serve to illustrate how easy and exact this is. eg., a 50 lb midget on 3 doses of "elephant juice" will require, at minimum, a 50 grain bullet traveling at 1800 fps. conversely, if attacked by a 300 lb man who is NOT on drugs (but maybe you just got in his way at an "all you can eat" buffet), you will be best served by a 300 gr bullet traveling at 900 fps. of course, the "golden mean" and your most likely threat is your average 155 lb teenage gang banger on 1 hit of glue. there, the very common ordnance will suffice: a 155 gr. bullet traveling at 1200 fps. hence, the popularity of such offerings as the .40SW. you see, mathematics is a very wonderful thing and can always be applied wholsales to firearms defense questions with exact results and also great heuristic effect.